I feel so ugly, my best friends are quite handsome and they have many sex buddies on their lives. I know that they are really handsome, good bodies, fashionable and also white skin as Asia’s standart, especially for our age. I tried to exercise and wear good clothes, but it still makes me feel bad that I’m not as handsome boy. Once I shared this insecurity, and my friends tried to be reassuring. I guess, but their words never left my mind after that.
“Friend, we love you, for reasons other than your body. You’re attractive, but you have to understand that you’re not the only one and in the outside, there is much hotter gay, but that’s because their parents “biological descendants”, they have more money and can buy expensive goods, and you’re not.
All the rich gay men have to be hotter than average, it’s their job. Plus, if I met them in real life, they wouldn’t give me the time of day “my friends said”. But we proud of you, not them, they just really hot because have money and a perfect body. (All this made me feel like they are settling). I understand they care to me, but I don’t understand the other things they said. I think some gay men look good, including my friends but except me.
It gets to me, especially since peoples sometimes tell me I’m ugly, I don’t have a nose and guys hardly look at me. It also kills me to think that it will be hard to find a boyfriend, thinks I came from poor family, I am a victim of childern trafficking and I also HIV positive person. I have to be ready to be lonely forever.
I bet if my friends could be friend with gay men who was more attractive, they would be, provided they also had a nice personality and all, all this makes me feel like I’m depriving their rights, of a really handsome faces, like they are missing out. Like, I can be cute, and an awesome, caring friend, even work on my listening skills. And I can’t do anything natural to be more attractive. I’m already of normal weight, and I’m not dye my hair or wear contacts lens or act like Beyonce. I have small nose and slanted eyes so I was expecting to get surgery, and my skin also not smooth and white like a porcelain.
I just wish I could also give them beauty, not only heart but also physical. I wanna be equal with all of my friends, or maybe with my future boyfriend. Now whenever I bring up the subject, my friends either gets upset or says “Hey, you’re handsome too!”, but I know that ultimately they thinks another gay men are hotter than me.
Thanks, I know I sound silly and insecure, but I can’t seem to get over it. I try not to think about it and rationalize it, but it doesn’t work (for instance, thinking “Oh, there’s so many gay men uglier than me but they still have a boyfriend, ” doesn’t really work!).
How can I feel better, accept it and be cool? I don’t want to ruin myself and the relationship in the future.